The holidays bring people together who are not part of our everyday circles, bringing great joy but also potential moments of tension, especially after a divisive election season. Merriam-Webster selected ‘polarization’ as the 2024 word of the year for a reason. 

With that in mind, it might not surprise you to learn that the same methods Convergence uses to bring people together to solve seemingly intractable issues on national, state, and community issues can be used this festive season at the dinner table! Below are my top 10 tips to consider when things might get heated this holiday season outside the dishes themselves.  

1. Mindset matters. 

Mindsets are the beliefs and attitudes that shape our behaviors.  Cultivating a mindset that embraces conflict, curiosity, and relationships goes a long way in tense conversations. Try approaching with curiosity and seeking to truly understand their position by asking questions instead of being argumentative and responsive with your own position. 

2. Escape the echo chamber.

Holidays are an opportune moment to connect with others who have a different life experience than you do. When we don’t interact with people who think differently than we do, we miss the opportunity to see the many things that we do have in common such as being parents, fans of our local sports team, bargain shoppers, people who have suffered loss and so much more. That is how we begin to exaggerate our differences. Meaningfully connecting with someone different from you can bring surprising and important commonalities to the forefront.  

3. Listen first.

When people feel heard and understood, they’re more inclined to listen to others who hold different perspectives. Research shows that after being heard people are less likely to make extreme statements and more likely to approach the conversation with nuance. They are also more likely to return the favor and listen to things that might be hard to hear. Active listening and tuning into someone’s perspective is key to effective connection. Remember that you can listen and understand without agreeing with someone.   

4. Disclose to deepen trust.

Nothing builds trust like vulnerability. One way to show vulnerability is to tell your story. What shaped you and your views on the issue that you disagree with? Research shows that personal stories are far more persuasive than facts. Another way to disclose is to indicate that you aren’t sure you are 100% right. You can do so by using words like “probably, sometimes and maybe” rather than talking in absolutes. The world is a VERY complicated place — none of us can be sure we are 100% right. 

5. Focus on individuality, not group identity.

People are often categorized into groups, such as conservative/liberal, young/old, immigrant/citizen, or rural/urban. Research suggests that when we focus on unique individual qualities and preferences instead, we feel less threatened by those who seem different. The key is to stop seeing others as anonymous group members and to see them as unique individuals who may share common interests and values with you. 

6. Be angry not outraged.

According to social scientists, anger can be beneficial for conflict resolution and repairing relationships. Anger is a dense form of communication that conveys a lot of information more quickly than other emotions. It does an excellent job of forcing us to listen to and confront problems we might otherwise avoid.  

The same is not true of outrage. Outrage is an escalating cycle of blame, rumination, and ever-expanding unproductive fury for revenge. So, dare to express your anger in constructive ways but recognize that excessive anger is an unproductive force that will be a barrier to solving problems.   

7. Take responsibility for your contributions to the problem.

Everyone involved in conflict has done something to contribute to the escalation. This doesn’t mean that everyone is an equal contributor. Acknowledging your part makes the other side more willing to acknowledge their part. Once both sides are able to identify and acknowledge their contributions, not only does everyone become more willing to focus on solutions over blame, but the solutions become clearer. Taking responsibility for our contributions is empowering because even if the other side won’t change, we now know one thing we can change – ourselves. 

8. Disagree well.

While doing the things in this list can lead to repaired relationships and consensus solutions, disagreeing well is also important. Sometimes, healing or problem solving are not in the cards. That is okay. Democracy is all about a strong competition of ideas leading to the best ideas rising to the top. Disagreement can help us develop better ideas, innovate, and improve.  

Too often disagreement leads to contempt. And contempt spells doom for both interpersonal relationships and democracy. Disagreeing well means creating and maintaining good relationships with people with whom you disagree. It means letting go of persuading the other side of the righteousness of our ideas and instead seeking to understand each other’s perspective. 

9. Choose hope.

Media coverage is often biased toward the negative. Sometimes, news shows don’t even aim for balanced coverage. Social media often curates feeds and uses a business model of outrage. Turn it off. Every day your eyes will show you friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors being good to each other in a million little ways. Believe your eyes and not the news.  

10. Love. That is all.

At the end of the day, everyone we disagree with is a human being.  Many great spiritual and political leaders taught and modeled unconditional love.  Jesus told us to, “Love your enemy.”  Abraham Lincoln counseled, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?” It is said that the British soldiers were warned to stay away from Gandhi lest his loving presence bring them over to his side.  Martin Luther King said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” These quotes and stories teach us that the real enemy is the illusion that the person was ever my enemy. How do you get beyond this illusion? Love. You probably practice it with your family every day and even with strangers too. When you disagree with someone, even when they treat you poorly, choose to respond with kindness and generosity. This behavior is highly contagious and you will find, that it will improve your physical and mental wellbeing too. 

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who disagreed with you that left you pleasantly surprised? What’s your best tip for doing so? Share your experience with us!